Ewok Uprising
by Bum Russian Elvis
Summary: FIRST CHAPTER UP!!!!!!! It gets violent, so the PG-13 rating is suitable. Not as funny as I'd hoped yet, but IT WILL GET FUNNIER! R&E
1. Commercial

Ewok Uprising Commercial's ©  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Wedge Antilles  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
This is a trailer for my upcoming series, related to The Prophecy. Hope ya like.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Star Wars Theme plays  
  
Words scroll up screen  
  
STAR WARS  
  
THE EWOK UPRISING.  
  
  
  
  
  
Screen fades to black  
  
  
  
Screen comes back in a forest scene  
  
Overvoice Endor. A planet of peace. A planet. Of Conquest  
  
Twig snaps and a forest animal bolts from the tree's  
  
Cries of 'Yub, Yub' are heard  
  
Hundreds of Ewok's swarm from the forest  
  
Drums beat loudly  
  
Screen fades to black  
  
Screen comes back in a New Republic briefing room  
  
Mon Mothma: We have reports of a disturbance from unknown ships attacking New Republic ships along trade routes within 25 parsecs of the Endor System. Survivors of the following raids have reported that the attackers were Ewoks, and vicious ones. Nothing was left of the crew.  
  
Duel of the Fates plays  
  
Red glow engulfs screen, then draws back to show a red lightsaber, farther back to show a tall Ewok holding the lightsaber, farther still to show Luke Skywalker standing against the Ewok. Snip of the battle is shown  
  
Screen suddenly switches to a desperate Corran Horn trying to hold his lock against an Ewok, and the Ewok pushing farther down towards Corran, both lightsaber's about to cut through Corran  
  
Mara Jade, Kyp Durron, Kam Solusar, Anakin, Jacen, and Jaina Solo, Ganner Rhysode, Tennel Ka, Valin and Jysella Horn are shown standing in a straight line in a dimly lit room. Across from them is a squad of Ewoks over twice their numbers and nearly twice their height. Everybody ignites their lightsaber's at once, in a blinding flash of light  
  
Screen comes back from flash of light in another dark room  
  
Slowly, you can see two groups of short creatures numbering over 500 each  
  
One group shows itself to be a group of Noghri, the other a group of Ewoks  
  
Utter silence  
  
Cuts to a close up of the Noghri commander  
  
Noghri Commander Clicks teeth and says gravely Open fire.  
  
Each side simultaneously starts shooting  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
End Trailer  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Review! 


	2. Back Home

Ewok Uprising

Wedge Antilles

                I'm sure you've all seen my commercial's and the Prophecy (Which may or may not have anything to do with this fic… I'm not sure if I'm going to make this a comedy as of right now.) And finally I get to the fic itself. (After ONE COMMERCIAL! CHECK OUT THE EWOK UPRISING COMMERCIAL FIRST!!!) Anyway, R&E&R (Read & Enjoy & Review) 

STAR WARS

EWOK UPRISING

                IT IS A TIME OF CRISIS FOR THE NEW REPUBLIC. THE EWOK'S – 

THE VERY CREATURES WHO HELPED THE REBELLION STRIKE TEAM

VANQUISH THE EMPIRE AT ENDOR –

HAVE COME OUT OF THE FOREST MOON AND ARE NOW HARRASSING

THE NEW REPUBLIC SHIPPING LANES. BUT HARRASSMENT IS ONLY THE

BEGINNING. FOR, THE TRUE GOAL OF THE EWOKS IS 

GALACTIC DOMINATION. THEY HAVE CREATED MACHINES THAT 

MAKE THE SHORT EWOKS NEARLY TWICE THE SIZE OF A HUMAN

AND HAVE FORCE-ENHANCED THEIR GREATEST WARRIORS.

THE REPUBLIC HAS BUT ONE HOPE: A MAN ON THE UNDISCOVERED PLANET

EARTH, WHO HOLDS THE KEY TO STOPPING THE EWOKS.

IF ONLY THE REPUBLIC CAN FIND HIM IN TIME……

Chapter I

The Days Back Home

                Scott Lyons sat in his house – nothing big, nothing fancy, just an average house – studying his creation. It was based off of a tazer – older technology, yes, but with great possibilities. His customization kept the same electrical energy – though albeit stronger, now it was over 500 volts, enough to kill a man if you hit him in the right spots – but gave it a longer range, a range of over 500 meters.

                And, of course, it could travel at nearly lightspeed.

                Suddenly the phone rang and disturbed Scott from his musing's. Grunting, Scott got up and murmured about how the man how created phones should be dragged out onto the street and shot. Several times.

                Scott sighed and picked up the phone. "Hello."

                "Hey." A familiar voice said.

                "Oh, hey Rei." Scott said. "What's up?"

                "Oh, nothing." Rei Camelin said. "Or, at least, nothing much." There was a distinct note of disappoint in her voice… "What about you?"

                "Huh? Oh, me? Same old, same old."

                "Parents annoying the hell outa you?"

                "Of course." Scott replied wryly. "And get this: They're coming here this weekend. This is madness! How can I possibly get my house cleaned up by then!!"

                "Scott? It's Sunday. You have 5 ½ days."

                "And?"

                Rei made a noise of exasperation, which the phone translated as static.

                "Uh-huh." Scott said.

                "Yeah."

                "Mmm-huh."

                "Uhhuh!"

                "Yaahuh!"

                "Mmmm-nmm!"

                "Mmmm-hmm!"

                "Uh ah ya." Then Rei burst out laughing. "Could you understand me at all?" She asked, still laughing.

                "More or less. You said something about microwaves?"

                Rei laughed even more over the phone. 

                A knock came on the door.

                "Hmm…" Scott said, pocketing his tazer. He had a bad feeling about this…

                "What is it?" Rei asked.

                "Hang on." Placing the phone down carefully on the kitchen table, Scott walked briskly to the door.

                Whoever it was knocked again, and shouted. "Come on out! We know you're in there, Lyons!"

                Scott looked out the peephole and swore. Mafia. He took his tazer back out and get under his kitchen counter, barely remembering to get the phone with Rei still on the line. "Rei? Rei? You there?" He asked hurriedly, but quietly.

                "Yeah, I'm still here. Who was it?"

                "It was th-" Scott's door came down with a crash and immediately bullets were showering through the doorway.

                Rei gasped aloud. "Holy shit! You're in deep, Scott! I'm gonna hang up and get the cops over there, now!"

                "No, no cops! Get yourself over here! Remember that tazer I gave you?" Scott had made a number of tazers – the one he was holding was the most powerful yet – and had given one to Rei, because he didn't trust the local protection or common weapons.

                "Ye-" Rei was cut off as a bullet tore the connection wire free. Scott swore again and threw the now-useless thing to the ground. He got into a crouch, then jumped up, already firing his tazer three times.

                And immediately after each blast, a loud _zap was heard and a white blinding light flashed through the room. And, of course, three men screamed out in pain as 500 volts of un-contained electricity ran through they're bodies. _

                _I'm screwed… Scott thought, firing off two more rounds and dropping two more thugs. _

                After 5 more minutes of trading fire – Scott being the only one with cover and therefore not being hit – Scott checked his power gauge. Not enough energy for anything but flashes. _Damnit__, Rei, where are you?! Scott thought angrily, barely coming above the counter and making three flashes from his tazer. At least it kept them back. _

                And then – finally – tires screeched and a repeating _zap-zap-zap was heard. That would be Rei with the repeating tazer he had given her. _

                And with her trademark terrible aim. Scott sighed as the repeated shots hit into his wooden house and caught it on fire. 

                With another sigh, he kept up his shots at the Mafia. And, after another minute and Rei still hadn't come in, Scott shouted at her to come _inside and shoot at them. Rei finally got the point and shot through the open door as she charged in. _

                And despite her lack of aim, she actually shot one Mafia thug and created the distraction Scott needed. Sliding back down to the protection of the counter, Scott took out a small charge pack and shoved it into his tazer. It took it 15 seconds to recharge, and those 15 seconds were the longest of his life. 

                But then it was fully charged, and Scott shot back up like a rocket, shooting Mafia thugs over and again. There only seemed to be 2 smart ones – one of them hid behind Scott's now-flaming sofa, the other had somehow found a chance to escape through the door. 

                "Rei! Back here!" Scott called out to her, taking out a weapon he had never wanted to use. A grenade. Though not a normal grenade, it was modified from a stun grenade so that the outburst would kill whoever saw the flash, through sensory overload. Scott pulled the pin.

                "One… Two… THREE!" He threw the grenade. "Cover your eyes, Rei!"

                "Wha-" She was interrupted as (a) Scott threw his hand over her eyes, squeezing his own eyes shut, and (b) Scott's grenade went off. 

                The remaining Mafia thugs were dead, which was then punctuated as several loud _thud's were heard. _

                And Scott's house was burning brightly.

                Taking Rei's hand in his own, he started to run out the back way. "C'mon."

                "Where are we going?" She asked, barely any fear in her voice. 

                "Ethan's." He said quietly as he ran through the backyard. 

                "Ethan?" 

                "Yes, Ethan Landes. A friend of mine. I thought that you two had met before?" He gave her a look.

                "Oh, _that Ethan!" She had a twinkle in her eye that Scott didn't like._

                "Yes, that Ethan."

                "I remember _hiiimmm." She said._

                "Stop that."

                "Stop what?"

                "You know what."

                "No, honestly, what?" 

                "Stop acting like you like Ethan!!"

                "Ohhh… I would _never try anything like __that." She said slyly. _

                "Oh God." Scott said. "Will the Lord have Mercy on my soul."

                "Again?" Ethan Landes asked simply after Scott and Rei told him what happened. Rei had been flirting with the blonde the whole time. 

                "Again?!" Rei shouted.

                "Again." Scott confirmed. 

                Ethan sighed. "Okay." He said. "Get in the car. I'll take you to someplace safe while the heat cools off."

                "Right." Scott said.

                "What?" Rei asked heatedly. 

                "We'll explain on the way. Just get in the car." Scott said.

                "Right…" Rei said, walking out of the room.

                "What sort of weaponry do you have?" Ethan asked.

                Scott snorted and pulled his long trench coat open, revealing 5 of his new tazers, 10 of the previous model tazers, 2 of the repeating tazers that he had given Rei, and 10 extra powerpacks for each tazer in his various pockets. "You tell me."

                Ethan stood there dumbfounded for a minute, then said, "Damn…" In a quiet voice. "I think that you've got enough."

                "Rei has one of all of these and 5 powerpacks in for each, and I've got explosives and more fun stuff in my trunk."

                "Definitely enough." Ethan said.

                "Yep. Let's get moving."

                "Okay, spill." Rei said once they were all in the car and moving.  

                "Spill what? The coffee? 'Cause I'm sure you wouldn't like that." Scott said. Ethan carefully hid a smile by turning his full attention – seemingly – on his driving.

                "You bloody know what I mean." Rei said sternly. Scott winced. 

                "Why the Mafia's trying to kill me? Simple answer: they want me dead."

                "I figured _that out on my own, thanks." Rei said with a snort. "__Why do they want you dead?"_

                Scott shrugged. "Why do they want anyone dead? I got in their way. And took something kinda special from them."

                "What did you take?" 

                Scott lifted an eyebrow fractionally to Ethan, who gave a just-as-fractional nod.

                "Do you really wanna know?" Scott asked. 

                Rei looked flustered. "Yes, I would prefer to know why people are trying to kill me. So tell me. Now." 

                "You aren't gonna believe this, but I guess I'll give you the full story. We – Ethan and I – are on a never-ending search for the one they call Zlateh the Goat. It is he that holds the key to awakening the bagels, who, in turn, awaken the Ewoks.

                "The Mafia found out about Zlateh, and have been on a search for him as well. They don't know what the Ewoks and Bagels can do, not to mention Zlateh himself. If these forces are awakened, then, well, quite honestly, Earth will cease to exist. As will the rest of the galaxy. Well, I shouldn't say that. We'll still exist, but we'll just be enslaved by giant hands – did I forget to mention the pokes? – bagels, and Ewoks. And possibly Zlateh – we aren't sure which side Zlateh would pick, or wether the Ewoks would kill him so their species could have the reign's of power. Ethan, I, and a handful of other defenders like us are all that stands between life as we know it and total annihilation."

                And Rei just burst out laughing. 

                It was quite a few hours to get to their destination. But none of those hours – in fact, not even one of those seconds – were spent idly. It took half the time to finally get Rei to stop laughing, and another two hours to convince Rei that they weren't lying.

                Finally, they got about 10 minutes of silence – not much, they knew, but it was better then nothing. After that 10 minute period, Rei looked up and spoke, "How do you know all this?"

                Another exchange of fractional nods – Rei missed them completely again – and Scott pulled out an old, yellow, and folded sheet of paper. "Read this." He said. 

                So she read:

_And the Bagel's shall rise from their bags, they're wrath striking fear into the hearts of all thy unbelievers_

_As The Great Ewok lords will rise from their humble beginning's and wrest control of the Universe from the Unworthy New Republic, and then and only then shall the residents of the Universe find the_

_Humble Home we Human's know as Earth._

_The Ewok's shall find one of Greatness on this planet, the one named Zlateh The Holy Goat _

_Shall be granted control of ¼ the Universe_

_All the While the Unworthy __New__Republic__ shall fight against their masters_

_And the Poke's from Earth shall come to the defence of the Ewok and Bagel Empire, destroying the __New__Republic__ with their maddening tactics._

                There was another period of silence again. "How do you know that all this is true?" Rei finally asked. 

                "Because we've seen it happen." Came the reply.

                "Seen this whole thing?" She asked.

                "No – some Bagels awoke prematurely. We stopped them, but there was devastation for a while in that part of the country."

                "And how come we didn't here about this?" Rei asked.

                "You did – it was just covered up by the government. They couldn't explain what it was, but we had found this prophecy by then – though up till that point we thought it was as crazy as you do – but, anyway, they couldn't explain it, so they said that it was a UFO attack. Which was more or less true, even though it wasn't an alien attack."

                "UFO – Unidentified Flying Object. So these things fly?" 

                "Yep."

                "So what do I do?"

                "Join or be killed."

                Rei was flabbergasted for a minute. "That was a joke, right?"

                "More or less – it's really join or be disembowled."

                Rei sighed, and Ethan laughed.

                "No, it's _really join or have this portion of you memory wiped." He said. _

                "I didn't know that you could do that." She said. 

                "You'd be surprised about what you don't know. Hey, do you wanna see this other prophecy we found? It's about-"

                Rei cut him off. "I don't want to know, I really don't."

                "Okay." Scott said with a shrug. "So what's your choice?"

                Rei sighed. "Beam me up, Scotty."

Yeah, I know that this wasn't as funny as I'd planned. I'm hoping that it'll get better, but it might not. So just, uh, review, and, uh, review my other stories, and, uh, review the next chapter, and, uh, uh, that's it. 


End file.
